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Blonde jokes

Did you hear why they closed the Seattle Kingdom While the crowd was doing the wave two blondes drowned

by (few years ago!) / 5232 views
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Sports jokes

It's legal to play hockey professionally.
The puck is always hard.
The protective equipment is reusable.
It lasts a full hour.
You know you're finished when the buzzer sounds.
Periods last only 20 minutes.
A 2-on-1 and a 3-on-1 is not uncommon.
You can count on it at least twice a week.
Your parents cheer when you score.
You can tell your friends about it afterwards.

by (few years ago!)
A HANDFUL OF QUICKIES

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says Pint please and one for the road.



A dog walks into this bar, jumps up on the stool and says to the bartender, "Hey barkeep, it's my birthday today. How 'bout a free drink?"
The bartender turns, looks at the dog and nods his head, "Sure pal, toilet's right down the hall."



A guy walks into a bar, and there's a horse behind the bar serving drinks. The guy is staring at the horse, when the horse says, "Hey buddy? What are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse serving drinks before?"
The guy says, "No, it's not that... it's just that I never thought the parrot would sell the place."



So a dyslexic walks into a bra . . .



A chicken walks into a bar. The bartender says "We don't serve poultry!"
The chicken says "That's OK I just want a drink."



Two cannibals walk into a bar and sit beside this clown. The first cannibal wacks the clown on the head and they both start eating the clown.
Suddenly the second cannibal looks up and says, "Hey, do you taste something funny?"

by (few years ago!)
Lawyer jokes

Did you hear that the Unitied States Post Office had to recall
its series of stamps depicting famous lawyers?
People were confused about which side to spit on.

by (few years ago!)
Lawyer jokes

A local United Way office realized that it had neverreceived a donation from the towns most successful lawyer. The personin charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute."Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000,you give not a penny to charity. Wouldnt you like to give back to thecommunity in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment andreplied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dyingafter a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times herannual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um...no.""-or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to awheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out anapology but was interrupted, "-or that my sisters husband died in atraffic accident," the lawyers voice rising in indignation, "leavingher penniless with three children?" The humiliated United Way rep,completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, thelawyer cut him off once again: "-so if I dont give any money to them,why should I give any to you?"

by (few years ago!)
LIFE AS A MOLE

A family of moles had been hibernating all winter. One beautiful spring morning, they woke up. The father mole stuck his head out of the hole and looked around. "Mother Mole!" He called back down the hole. "Come up here! I smell honey, fresh made honey!"

The mother mole ran up and squeezed in next to him. "That's not honey, that's maple syrup! I smell maple syrup!"

The baby mole, still down in the hole, was sulking. "I can't smell anything down here but molasses...."

by (few years ago!)
TOP REJECTED STATE OF THE UNION OPENING LINES

"Immediately after my speech, you are all cordially invited to come up here and kiss my pasty white ass."

"Members of Congress, I feel you're a pain."

"Look at it, people! Take a good look! You got a tool like this, you use it -- know what I'm sayin'?"

"Are you impeachin' me? Are you impeachin' me? You gotta be impeachin' me cuz I'm the only President standin' here."

"Okay, I shagged her. I shagged her rotten, baby!"

"I'm not under oath, am I?"

"This meeting of The Duplicitous Serial Adulterers Group will now come to order. Ha, ha! Just kidding, people."

"I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. But first, a few words from my husband..."

"Whoa! I've been sleepwalking the last three years! I hope I didn't do anything embarrassing!"

"First, I'd like to introduce my new Attorney General, Alec Baldwin."

"Any of y'all got that Gwyneth Paltrow gal's phone number?"

"(Psssst! Al! Fourth row, third from the left -- you can see right up her skirt!)"

"I don't think anyone can deny that this past year has made a vas deferens in the face of politics.."

"I have not had sexual relations with anyone in this chamber. But seriously, folks..."

"Acquit me, or the stock market gets it."


by (few years ago!)
Jokes And Funny Stories About Marriage - 2

It used to be wine, women and song. Now it's beer, the old lady, and TV.

by (few years ago!)
Bar jokes

A man was walking through a rather seedy section of town, when a bum walked up to him and asked the man for two dollars.
The man asked, "Will you buy booze?"

The bum replied, "No."

Then the man asked, "Will you gamble it away?"

The bum said, "No."

Then the man asked the bum, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"

by (few years ago!)
Computer jokes

COMPUTER TERMS - TEXAS TRANSLATION:
LOG ON: Making a wood stove hotter.
LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the wood stove.
DOWNLOAD: Gettin' the farwood off the truck
MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin' the farwood
FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood
RAM: That thing tha splits the farwood
HARD DRIVE: Gettin' home in the winter time
PROMPT: What the mail ain't in the winter time
WINDOWS: What to shut when it's cold outside
SCREEN: What to shut when it's black fly season
BYTE: What them dang flies do
CHIP: Munchies fer the TV
MICRO CHIP: What's in the bottom of the munchie bag
MODEM: Whatcha did to the hay fields
DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife
LAP TOP: Where the kitty sleeps
KEYBOARD: Where ya hang the dang truck keys
SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knives
MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn
MOUSE PAD: That's hippie talk fer the mouse hole
MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn roof
ENTER: Northerner talk fer "c'mon in, y'all"
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya can't 'member what ya paid fer the rifle

by (few years ago!)
Animal jokes

A man was in a bar and needed a light for his cigarette. The man next to him pulled out a long, thin lighter such as the first man had never seen before. The first man asked the second man where he got it.

The second man said, "There is a genie living in a bottle next to the river. If you go there and rub the bottle, the genie will grant you one wish."

The first man found the bottle near the river and rubbed it. The genie appeared and said, "I will grant you one wish." The man thinks for a while and says, "I want one million bucks."

The genie says, "It is done. Go home and in one hour go look out of your window into your front yard." After an hour, the man looked outside and all he saw was DUCKS everywhere.

The man was irate. He went back to the bar and said to the man with the lighter, "I am so disgusted. I found the genie, but instead of one million bucks, that genie gave me one million DUCKS.

The other man said, "You think you're disgusted. Do you honestly think I asked that genie for a nine-inch BIC?"

by (few years ago!)
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