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Blonde jokes

A man works in the operations department of a large bank Employees call him from the field when they have problems with their computers. One night a blonde woman from a branch bank called him and said Ive got smoke coming from the back of my computer terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown

by (few years ago!) / 5793 views
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Religious jokes

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "Youre running around with other women," she charged."Youre being unreasonable," Adam responded. "Youre the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve. "What do you think youre doing?" Adam demanded. "Counting your ribs," said Eve.

by (few years ago!)
The Bloody Joke

Generally, I might find the following joke disgusting. But, the night I heard it, I was in a tiny bar in the middle of nowhere Pennsylvania. There is nothing to do out there but drink, or be entertained by Creeping Jesus, a local who prowls around with bird feathers in his hair (he named himself Creeping Jesus, by the way). He once tried to light himself on fire to make us laugh, but that wasn’t funny. The bartender cut him off early that night. Anyway, a couple of other locals were trying to amuse us, and this joke came about:

by (few years ago!)
Rules For Work

1. Never give me work in the morning.
Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline
is refreshing.
2. If it's really a rush job, run in and
interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Or even
better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.
3. Always leave without telling anyone
where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you
are.
4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes,
books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a
paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be
injured and lose all use of my limbs.
5. If you give me more than one job to
do, don't tell me which is priority. I am psychic.
6. Do your best to keep me late. I
adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life
beyond work.
7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a
secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.
8. If you don't like my work, tell
everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be
whipped.
9. If you have special instructions for
a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No
use confusing me with useful information.
10. Never introduce me to the people
you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I
am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm
doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to managers' hell.
12. Tell me all your little problems.
No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I
especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you
received for being such a good manager.
13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN
tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating
with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.

by (few years ago!)
Bill Gates Buys Some Lovin'

Bill Gates meets Hugh Grant at a Hollywood party. They are talking and Bill says: "I've seen some great pictures of Divine Brown lately, I sure would like to get together with her!"

Hugh replies: "Well Bill, you know ever since our incident, her price has skyrocketed, she's charging a small fortune."

Bill: "Hugh, money's no object to me. What's her number." So, Hugh gives Bill her number and Bill sets up a date.

They meet & after they finish, Bill is lying there in ecstasy, mumbling "God...now I know why you chose the name Divine."

To which she replies: "Thank you, Bill.....and now I know how you chose the name ..... Microsoft."

by (few years ago!)
Funny Animal Jokes

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court.

In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"

"Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the--"

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"

"Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road--"

"Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine.

Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and told the lawyer so.

"Well," said the farmer, "as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.

I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move.

However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.

He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"

by (few years ago!)
Dog jokes

When is the most likely time that a stray dog will walk into your house ?When the door is open !

by (few years ago!)
computer jokes

Bill asked, "Well, what's the difference between the two?" St. Peter said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision."

by (few years ago!)
Bar jokes beer booze and fun

A regular at Bobs Bar came in one evening sporting a matched pair of swollen black eyes that appeared extremely painful."Whoa, Sam!" said the bartender. "Who gave those beauties to you?""Nobody gave them to me," said Sam. "I had to fight like crazy for both of them."

by (few years ago!)
IT'S A MATTER OF TRUST


A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summerhouse in the country, to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his (no, that's not the punch line) to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine.

On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebee off a lawyer, agreed.

Well, they had a splendid time in the country - rising early and living in the great outdoors. Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast.

As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge Bears - a male and a female. Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.

The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer.

Sure enough, the two bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend.

The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE.

"Whatdya do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!"

"Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the Male?"

by (few years ago!)
Difference between a lawyer and a terrorist?

What's the difference between a lawyer and a terrorist?

You can negotiate with a terrorist.

by (few years ago!)
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