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Blonde jokes

A man works in the operations department of a large bank Employees call him from the field when they have problems with their computers. One night a blonde woman from a branch bank called him and said Ive got smoke coming from the back of my computer terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown

by (few years ago!) / 4612 views
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Similar Jokes

Dog jokes

How can you tell a dog from an elephant?The elephant remembers.

by (few years ago!)
REJECTION LETTER RESPONSE TEMPLATE

The next time you get a rejection letter from a hoped-for employer or publisher, just send them the following:

Dear [name of the person who signed the rejection letter],

Thank you for your letter of [date of the rejection letter]. After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me [employment with your firm/a contract to publish my book].

This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals. Despite [name of the co or agency that sent you this letter]'s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting [applicants/manuscripts], I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time.

Therefore, I will initiate [employment/publishing] with your firm immediately following [graduation/job change, etc. - get creative here]. I look forward to working with you.

Best of luck in rejecting future [candidates/manuscripts].

Sincerely,
[your name

by (few years ago!)
His First Time

A guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender, "Give me 5 shots of Jack!"
The bartender asks "Are you having a bad day?"

The guy replies, "Nope, I'm celebrating my first blowjob!"

The bartender congradulates him and says, "Well in that case, let me give you a beer on the house."

The guy replies, "No thanks, if this doesn't take the taste out of my mouth, nothing will."

by (few years ago!)
Men jokes

Men are like chocolate bars.Sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips.

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

A blonde walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the window, "Cruise Special -- $99!". She goes inside, lays her money on the counter and says, "Id like the $99 cruise special, please." The agent grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her to a large inner tube, then drags her out the back door and downhill to the river, where he pushes her in and sends her floating. A second blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the sign, goes inside, lays her money on the counter, and asks for the $99 special. She too is tied to an inner tube and sent floating down the river. Drifting into stronger current, she eventually catches up with the first blonde. They float side by side for a while before the first blonde asks, "Do they serve refreshments on this cruise? The second blonde replies, " They didnt last year."

by (few years ago!)
INTELLIGENT CAR RADIO


A lady bought a new $100,000 Mercedes and proudly drove it off the showroom floor to take home. Halfway home, she attempted to change radio stations and saw that there appeared to be only one station. She immediately turned around and headed back to the dealer.

Once at the dealer, she found her salesman and began to excitedly explain that her radio was not working, and they must replace it since she only had one radio station. The salesman calmed her down and told her that her car radio was voice-activated, and that she would only need to state aloud the type of music that she wanted and the car would find it.

She got into the car and started the engine and then said the word "country," and the radio changed to a station playing a George Strait song. She was satisfied and started home. After a while she decided to try out the radio and said "rock 'n' roll;" the radio station changed and a song by the Rolling Stones came from the speakers. Quite pleased, the woman continued driving.

A few blocks from her house, another driver ran a light causing her to slam on her brakes to avoid a collision. The woman angrily exclaimed, "Asshole!"

...The radio cut over to George Bush's press conference.

by (few years ago!)
School jokes

Caspar: I was the teachers pet last year.Jaspar: Why was that? Caspar: She couldnt afford a dog.

by (few years ago!)
Bar jokes

A man walks into a bar, with a huge alligator on a leash. He walks over to the bar, and orders a beer. The bartender says "Sorry sir. You can't bring that alligator in here! It's a dangerous animal, and you're scaring all of the patrons!" Sure enough. The man looked around and noticed that everyone was standing on the tables, looking very nervous. "But wait!" he cried. "This alligator is tame. It wouldn't hurt anyone."

However, the bartender is adamant. The man continues, "If I can prove that this alligator is not vicious, can he stay?" "Well, I guess so," says the bartender, "however, you're going to have a devil of a time proving to everyone here that your alligator is tame!"

The man smiles, and leans over the alligator. "Ralph!" he shouts. "Sit up." With that, he beats the alligator on the head with his fist. BANG. BANG. BANG. And the alligator rears up on its tail. "Ralph, open your mouth." BANG. BANG. BANG.

And the alligator opened its huge mouth wide, revealing row upon row of gleaming white teeth. The man pulls out his wang, and lays it in the alligator's mouth, as the entire bar crowd gasps. "Ralph! Close your mouth, but don't bite." BANG. BANG. BANG.

As the man pummels the alligator on the head, the giant mouth slowly closes, and stops just short of biting the guys d**k off. The crowd sighs, and the man says, "Ralph, open your mouth." BANG. BANG. BANG. The alligator's mouth opens wide again.

"There," says the man to the crowd. "Now would anyone else like to try this?" A blonde in the back says, "Yeah, I'll try. But only if your promise not to hit me on the head so hard

by (few years ago!)
Computer jokes

An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't
get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer
was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she
pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on
this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out
to be the computer's mouse.

Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her
brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the
unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for
something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed
the power switch, she asked, "What power switch?"

Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and
rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said
to put in the second disk, and I had some problems with the disk.
When it said to put in the third disk, I couldn't even fit it in...."
The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove
Disk 1 first.


In a similar incident, a customer had followed the instructions
for installing software. The instructions said to remove the disk
from its cover and insert into the drive. The user had physically
removed the casing of the disk and wondered why there were
problems.

True story from a Novell NetWire Sysop:
Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my
warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me. If I seem a bit stumped, it's because
I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade
show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any
trademark on it?"
Caller: It came with my computer. I don't know anything about
promotional. It just has '4X' on it." At this point, the Tech Rep
had to mute the caller because he couldn't stand it. He was
laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of
the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and snapped it off the drive.

A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her
printer. The tech asked her if she was running it under "Windows."
The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is
a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a
window and his printer is working fine,"

Tech Support: "O.K. Bob, let's press the control and escape
keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle
of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program
Manager."
Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."
Tech: "On your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "What do you mean?"
Tech: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"

by (few years ago!)
TESTING TIMES

A man walks into a bar with a monkey he had just bought at the pet store. He sits down at the bar and orders a beer. The monkey jumps down off his shoulder and runs over to the pool table and ate the cue-ball.

The bartender says "Your monkey just ate the cue-ball! GET OUT NOW!" so the man picks up the monkey and leaves.

Two months later the same man comes back with the monkey on a leash. The monkey jumps off his shoulder and grabs a peanut, shoves it up his ass, pulls it out then eats it.

The bartender says " Did your monkey just shove a peanut up his ass then eat it?"

The man says "Yeah ever since the cue-ball incident he checks everything for size"

by (few years ago!)
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