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EAGER TO IMPRESS THE BOSS

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand."Listen,said the CEO this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."


A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

by (few years ago!) / 12519 views
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Funny Animal Jokes

There was a man that owned a giant gorilla and, all its life, he'd never left it on its own. But eventually he had to go on a business trip and had to leave his gorilla in the care of his next-door neighbor. So he explained to his neighbor that all he had to do was feed his gorilla three bananas a day at three, six and nine o'clock.

But he was never ever, ever to touch its fur.

So the next day the man came and gave the gorilla a banana and looked at it for a while thinking, “Why can't I touch its fur?” as their didnt seem to be anything wrong with it.

Every day he came in and looked for a little while longer as he still couldnt understand until, about a week later, he'd worked himself into a frenzy and decided that he was going to touch the gorilla.

He passed it the banana and very gently brushed the back of his hand against its fur.

Suddenly the gorilla went ape and started to jump around, then it turned and began to running towards the man who, in turn, ran through the front door, over the lawn, across the street, into some one else's sports car and drove off.

In the rear-view mirror, he could see the gorilla in its own sports car, driving right behing him.

He drove for two hours until the engine began to splutter and the car just stopped. He jumped out and began to run down the street, over a brick wall, into someone's front garden and up the apple tree.

He turned around to find the gorilla right behind him beating its chest.

The man jumped down and ran back in to the street screaming, until it became dark and he thought he'd lost the gorilla.

The man ran into an alleyway then, suddenly, he saw a giant shaddow coming down the street ahead.

The gorilla!

It came to the end of the alley, stood and looked striaght into the bloodshoot eyes of the man and came towards him slowly.

This time there was no escape. As the gorilla neared him, the man began to feel faint.

The giant beast came face to face with him, raised its mighty hand and said, “Tag! You're it!”

by (few years ago!)
SPORTS PEOPLE: BASKETBALL; It Was No Joke: The Coach Was Sick

LEAD: One of the first things the Sacramento Kings' coach, Jerry Reynolds, requested after an ambulance took him to an emergency room Tuesday night was a bag of popcorn and a beer. That kind of joking is typical of the popular coach. In fact, Reynolds is so known for his jokes and courtside antics that most of the 16,517 fans who saw him collapse and lose consciousness during the Kings' victory over the Portland Trail Blazers in Sacramento, Calif., Tuesday night thought it was a stunt.

One of the first things the Sacramento Kings' coach, Jerry Reynolds, requested after an ambulance took him to an emergency room Tuesday night was a bag of popcorn and a beer. That kind of joking is typical of the popular coach. In fact, Reynolds is so known for his jokes and courtside antics that most of the 16,517 fans who saw him collapse and lose consciousness during the Kings' victory over the Portland Trail Blazers in Sacramento, Calif., Tuesday night thought it was a stunt. Even his players at first thought Reynolds was joking, and Referee Blaine Reichelt called a technical foul against the Kings, assuming that Reynolds had thrown himself onto the floor to mock an earlier call Reichelt made against the Kings. But the 44-year-old coach wasn't joking when he collapsed during the game. Although there were early fears that Reynolds had suffered a heart attack, the Kings' team physician, Dr. James Castles, said yesterday that Reynolds showed no evidence of a heart attack in tests conducted so far. The doctor also said Reynolds would be released from the hospital this afternoon if his final scheduled heart test, a treadmill study, showed normal results. Castles said that after a controversial foul call against the Kings, Reynolds ''leaped into the air and seemed to get dizzy.'' Reynolds fell face-first onto the arena floor and lost consciousness for about 30 seconds. The game was stopped 10 minutes with 5 minutes 56 seconds left while Castles and other doctors in the arena, including two cardiologists, examined him, attached a heart monitor to his chest and finally placed him on a stretcher. (AP)

by (few years ago!)
Computer jokes

How many Bill Gateses does it take to change a light bulb?A: One. He puts the bulb in and lets the world revolve around him.

by (few years ago!)
Lawyer jokes

What kind of clothes do lawyers wear?Lawsuits.

by (few years ago!)
Fifty people swindled!

A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!"

Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. Finding nothing, the man said, "There's nothing in here about fifty people being swindled."

The newsboy ignored him and went on, calling out, "Read all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!"

by (few years ago!)
Political jokes

Democrats let their kids open all the gifts on Christmas Eve. Republicans make their kids wait until Christmas morning.

by (few years ago!)
office jokes

. Avoid alliteration. Always.

2. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.

3. The adverb always follows the verb.

4. Employ the vernacular.

5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.

7. Remember to never split an infinitive.

8. Contractions aren't necessary.

9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

10. One should never generalize.

11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."

12. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

13. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.

14. Be more or less specific.

15. Understatement is always best.

by (few years ago!)
Sports jokes

St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball. Satan proposed a game that would be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the Heavenly Host and the devil's own hand-picked boys.

"Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But I hope that you realize that we've got all the good players and the best coaches."

"I know, and that's all right." Satan answered unperturbed. "We've got all the umpires."

by (few years ago!)
Women jokes

What is cosmetics? ANSWER: Cosmetics is a womans means for keeping a man from reading between the lines.

by (few years ago!)
THE UNLUCKY PIRATE

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"

"What do you mean? I'm fine."

"What about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the Doc fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."

"Oh yeah? Well what about that hook? The last time I saw you, you had both hands."

"We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the Doc fixed me up with the hook, and I feel great, really."

"Oh," said the bartender, "what about that eye patch? The last time you were in here you had both eyes."

"One day when we were at sea some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up and one of them crapped in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird crap!"

"Well, I really wasn't used to the hook yet."

by (few years ago!)
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